Yes I want to stab kill shoot and Brutally destroy my abuser. I feel like because of him my views of relationships are forever damaged. I came into the relationship at 17 years old young, happy, looking towards love, just excited about life. The only thing I got from that was hopes dreams and being battered. Oh and by the way let me remind you this will shape the way that I view man for the rest of my life.
Of course 15 years later I’m healed from the abuse I’m a Survivor but it stains the current relationships I try to get into because I never really learned how to be in a good relationship. What’s worse to me is that when I do get into relationships that I think are amazing and I’m treated badly I stay IN THEM! This may be because it’s what I’m used to. In the back of my head it’s like run! You’ve been here before but it’s also like a comfort zone thing I guess. I have not been in an abusive relationship since but even verbal abuse seems to go the same route and it becomes a cycle!
I start to wonder why am I like this! Well two reasons
- I fear being single for he rest of my life
- I have this hope that people have good in them and they will change eventually!
Fear of being single
For most women after the age of 30 and being a single parent long to be in a relationship again especially if we used to be married. I personally miss everything about being a wife. Not saying that my time is not coming but dang DO I HAVE TI WAIT FOREVER?! That being said I rush into relationships I should not be in all because I want to be married again. Should I tolerate just anything though? Hell no! I deserve love, respect, adoration and more!
SOLUTION: Hang in the there! I’m a God fearing woman and God says that He has someone perfect for me . I’m not ready for him yet though and if I keep putting up with men I don’t need to deal with and not wait on God I’m just hindering His work and slowing down my desires.
Having hope they will change
Let me tell you them jokers ain’t gonna change! They’ve been this way their whole life and you walking into their life will not change them! I’ve always had a hippie mentality.
“There’s good in everyone and it’s my job to bring it out”
Lies! Lies I tell ya!
They’ve been accepted as this for so long and you ain’t gonna change them. Besides that why should you wait around for them to change while your being abused, insulted , manipulated etc!
So getting back to my original point! I really dislike my abuser and wish I could hurt and harm him because of all of this trauma drama and so forth that I’ve experienced. Had I met a nice young man that knew nothing of abusing women I wouldn’t be in all of this! I’ve learned and I believe in Gods plan though and know thag my experience is for others not for me! So I’ll sustain maintain and continue to pray and this time:
I will wait for the man God has for me. Nothing done can be undone so I must press forward, help others , continue to heal and grow.