10 Steps to Finally Leave a Toxic Relationship
Yes I want to stab kill shoot and Brutally destroy my abuser. I feel like because of him my views of relationships are forever damaged. I came into the relationship at 17 years old young, happy, looking towards love, just excited about life. The only thing I got from that was hopes dreams and being battered. Oh and by the way let me remind you this will shape the way that I view man for the rest of my life.
Of course 15 years later I’m healed from the abuse I’m a Survivor but it stains the current relationships I try to get into because I never really learned how to be in a good relationship. What’s worse to me is that when I do get into relationships that I think are amazing and I’m treated badly I stay IN THEM! This may be because it’s what I’m used to. In the back of my head it’s like run! You’ve been here before but it’s also like a comfort zone thing I guess. I have not been in an abusive relationship since but even verbal abuse seems to go the same route and it becomes a cycle!
I start to wonder why am I like this! Well two reasons
- I fear being single for he rest of my life
- I have this hope that people have good in them and they will change eventually!
Fear of being single
For most women after the age of 30 and being a single parent long to be in a relationship again especially if we used to be married. I personally miss everything about being a wife. Not saying that my time is not coming but dang DO I HAVE TI WAIT FOREVER?! That being said I rush into relationships I should not be in all because I want to be married again. Should I tolerate just anything though? Hell no! I deserve love, respect, adoration and more!
SOLUTION: Hang in the there! I’m a God fearing woman and God says that He has someone perfect for me . I’m not ready for him yet though and if I keep putting up with men I don’t need to deal with and not wait on God I’m just hindering His work and slowing down my desires.
Having hope they will change
Let me tell you them jokers ain’t gonna change! They’ve been this way their whole life and you walking into their life will not change them! I’ve always had a hippie mentality.
“There’s good in everyone and it’s my job to bring it out”
Lies! Lies I tell ya!
They’ve been accepted as this for so long and you ain’t gonna change them. Besides that why should you wait around for them to change while your being abused, insulted , manipulated etc!
So getting back to my original point! I really dislike my abuser and wish I could hurt and harm him because of all of this trauma drama and so forth that I’ve experienced. Had I met a nice young man that knew nothing of abusing women I wouldn’t be in all of this! I’ve learned and I believe in Gods plan though and know thag my experience is for others not for me! So I’ll sustain maintain and continue to pray and this time:
I will wait for the man God has for me. Nothing done can be undone so I must press forward, help others , continue to heal and grow.
What I tried to do was love them enough for both of us. That methodology will always fail because the egomaniac places no value on love.
Source: Ego Vs. Love
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Tired of the Stupidity!
Ok so as a Domestic Violence Survivor I must speak up for all the victims and up and coming survivors. WE ARE TIRED OF YOUR STUPID QUESTIONS. When I speak at events and engagements I talk to many women who have been and are being abused. I ask them what is your biggest challenge and besides recovering, and making plans to leave their abuse, they say that they don’t get the support they need and that many people ask amazingly stupid questions. So I decided to post the stupid domestic violence questions that people ask. Whether it is out of ignorance , a misunderstanding, or just being mean.
TOP 5 Stupid Domestic Violence Questions
5.How did you get into this situation?
First of all do you think we can spot an abuser from a mile away? No we cannot! When you meet a man you want to date of course if you are attracted to them your immediately in the honeymoon phase. His eyes, his lips, his cologne, everything is just great. AFTER they have us hooked and locked into the relationship THEN is when they feel comfortable enough to abuse us. They already got us falling in love and by then we are caught between whether the abuse was a one time thing or something that will be continual all because we are in love.
4. Why didn’t you reach out for help?
Ok this question can be asked out of stupidity or curiosity. Most times victims don’t get help right away out of fear of the abuser hurting others. Another reason is that a failed attempt leaves us trapped and abused further and far worse because now the abuser knows we are trying to leave. When an abuser feels as if they are losing their control over you their grip on you gets a little bit tighter and things could escalate very quickly.
3.Are you really that trapped?
Why yes, yes I am. Victims are almost always around their abusers and this is not by choice. They want to keep a close watch on us. They are either not working and getting money in elsewhere or they work very close by. They have you keep your phones close so that they can call you every second to check on you and God forbid you don’t answer your phone! This is a murderous scene waiting to happen. Another tactic abusers use that is rarely spoken of is financial abuse. This is when they have complete control of finances and you have access to nothing relating to money. This make it hard to leave, buy needed things.
IF ANYTHING BURNS ME UP TOTALLY ITS THESE LAST TWO QUESTIONS!
2.You don’t look abused… Are you Lying?
Are you serious right now?! Even if you see the abuse your not going to do anything! When I was first abused I remember it well. I was beat up ! He punched me so hard on the right side of my face and had ripped several braids out of my hair. Next thing that happened shocked and amazed me. He said “Lets go in the mall.” What?! Are you serious?! So in we walked and can you believe NOT ONE PERSON SAVED ME, OR QUESTIONED HIM! ( I wrote a book on my abuse you can BUY IT HERE)
1.WHY DON’T YOU JUST LEAVE?
This is the top question that people ask abusers. I always wonder as well as my other domestic violence survivors of why don’t they ask… Why Did They Abuse You? There is a number of reasons why victims don’t and can’t JUST LEAVE.
THESES ARE REAL RESPONSES FROM VICTIMS AS TO WHY THEY DON’T LEAVE, AND THE ANSWERS WE GIVE THEM TO COMBAT THEIR SECOND THOUGHTS.
Where will I go? – (friends, family, shelters)
How will I support myself (and my children)? – (It may not be as hard as you think)
What if I am alone for the rest of my life. – (There are worse things then being alone)
No one will believe me. – (They might not but it is likely they already have seen the signs. Besides, it doesn’t matter whether they believe you as long as you know the truth.)
What if I am celibate for the rest of my life? – (There are worse things in life)
No one else will want me. – (Once you are healed you may find someone great and perfect for you. If not, again – there are worse things than being alone.)
My children need their father/mother. – (What kind of mother/father do they need? – really)
What will other people think? – (It shouldn’t be about what others think but unfortunately sometimes it is. You just need to do what is best for you.)
How will my children handle this? – (They may handle it better than what they are currently experiencing)
I don’t have money or other resources. – (Get information – that will answer many concerns.)
I still love him/her and I know he/she didn’t mean to do it and/or is sorry and/or will change. – (How many chances should he/she get? What if after years and years he/she still doesn’t? Will you still keep saying that? A person changing has to be their choice – we can’t make them no matter what we do or don’t do.)
How can I be sure that I will be safe from him/her? – (Call local, state, or national hotlines or resources for information. If possible confide in a friend or relative and arrange to go to their house in case of emergency. Always have a bag packed with a few essentials if possible.)
I am ashamed for anyone to know about the abuse. (They probably already know.)
Its not really that bad. – (Do you really believe that?)
I did cause this to happen or I deserve it. – (No one deserves to be treated that way).
This article is not to offend anyone it is simply a blog from a victims perspective. We are survivors and are tired of these questions. Some of us are still victims and while we are crying out for help you are asking us questions that seem to be antagonizing us more.
Oh how I hate you so.
I haven’t had many encounters with you so whenever you yield your ugly head I’m forced to embrace you.
Failure is natural. It’s part of life’s process of growth. Every time you show your face, I feel walls of China building because I remember how I felt when I encountered you last.
I feel useless, humiliated and unintelligent when you are around because my heart seeks perfection. I’m always striving hard to do my part to assure that I succeed in life and don’t succumb to your motives. But failure you are still there. Driving home lessons that I will never be good enough for perfection. I’m not perfect, I don’t have the human quality to be, but that doesn’t stop me from trying to be that way. So fear, I will take the lessons you teach and keep putting up walls to prevent you from coming in, but failure is inevitably apart of life. Let’s just continue this love, hate relationship. Failure, keep rearing your head and guiding me to the light. Detour and guide me toward my ultimate purpose and destiny with every encounter we have. Take your position in this journey of life. All the while killing my perfectionist mind one brain cell at a time. I’ll learn from you and strategically move so I can decrease our acquaintances. Thanks for the lessons. You never fail to educate me.
As I approach my 32nd birthday, the feeling of failure definitely kicked in. I’m definitely not where I thought I would be in life. I served in the military for 9 years and my ultimate goal was to continue serving my country for 11 more years but the military is reducing its’ forces. In the next few years, several Soldiers will get the notification that their service to their country is no longer needed. They will be forced to choose employment elsewhere.
Originally when I got the notification of being involuntarily separated from service, I didn’t take the news so harshly. But overtime while undergoing several obstacles to receive orders for separation and transition back home from overseas deployment, I started feeling the emotions of grief. I often ask myself, did I Soldier well? I felt like I did everything according to the Army career map but apparently it still wasn’t good enough. I also questioned myself as a nurse. Am I a good nurse, do I have enough experience and expertise to compete with civilian nurses because all I know is military medicine. I definitely feel like I’m not ready to meet the civilian sector.
Last week I called my friends and asked them to pray for me because I felt depressed. I’ve experienced a lot of things in my life but failure was a new feeling. I always strive to do my best and I’m usually blessed to come out on top. Even in college when changing my major from psychology to nursing, although nursing school was really hard, I successfully completed the program. So now, I’m sitting here choosing a civilian job. Lord, where do I go from here. One thing about failure it can elicit a sense of fear, fear of tying things over, fear of reaching your goals while traveling a different road. I started to get scared. I felt like perhaps I heard God wrong and He never called me to be a nurse. Have I been walking in God’s permissive will all this time?
But this process has allowed me to see that failure isn’t negative. It’s just a redirecting of your path so that you can reach your purpose. Just because you fail at something, there are lessons that need to be learned. And you must believe that you are doing the right thing. God will confirm that you are doing the right thing as well just listen to His instruction.
There are many people who have failed or where rejected before arriving at the correct destination. Oprah Winfrey for example was originally fired from a news broadcasting station, then she was recognized by someone else and she has her own television network. Michael Jordan was originally cut from his high school basketball team; he became one of the best professional basketball players of all time.
Sometimes failure is necessary. There is a song that Fantasia Burrino sings which I enjoy and it says, “I am who I am today, because God used my mistakes. He worked it for my good like no one else ever could. It was necessary.” God has a way of turning negative things into positive. So as of 1 Dec I will no longer be a full time Soldier in the United States Army, but I’m still here and I still have breath in my lungs to make an impact in this world. I am still able to provide nursing care to patients, just in a different setting. I can use all the skills I have learned during my time in the military to help others I encounter. Change your perspective as it relates to failure. Failure is okay. It propels you into your purpose because it allows you to travel a different path and learn new lessons while arriving to your final destination.