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Tired of the Stupidity!
Ok so as a Domestic Violence Survivor I must speak up for all the victims and up and coming survivors. WE ARE TIRED OF YOUR STUPID QUESTIONS. When I speak at events and engagements I talk to many women who have been and are being abused. I ask them what is your biggest challenge and besides recovering, and making plans to leave their abuse, they say that they don’t get the support they need and that many people ask amazingly stupid questions. So I decided to post the stupid domestic violence questions that people ask. Whether it is out of ignorance , a misunderstanding, or just being mean.
TOP 5 Stupid Domestic Violence Questions
5.How did you get into this situation?
First of all do you think we can spot an abuser from a mile away? No we cannot! When you meet a man you want to date of course if you are attracted to them your immediately in the honeymoon phase. His eyes, his lips, his cologne, everything is just great. AFTER they have us hooked and locked into the relationship THEN is when they feel comfortable enough to abuse us. They already got us falling in love and by then we are caught between whether the abuse was a one time thing or something that will be continual all because we are in love.
4. Why didn’t you reach out for help?
Ok this question can be asked out of stupidity or curiosity. Most times victims don’t get help right away out of fear of the abuser hurting others. Another reason is that a failed attempt leaves us trapped and abused further and far worse because now the abuser knows we are trying to leave. When an abuser feels as if they are losing their control over you their grip on you gets a little bit tighter and things could escalate very quickly.
3.Are you really that trapped?
Why yes, yes I am. Victims are almost always around their abusers and this is not by choice. They want to keep a close watch on us. They are either not working and getting money in elsewhere or they work very close by. They have you keep your phones close so that they can call you every second to check on you and God forbid you don’t answer your phone! This is a murderous scene waiting to happen. Another tactic abusers use that is rarely spoken of is financial abuse. This is when they have complete control of finances and you have access to nothing relating to money. This make it hard to leave, buy needed things.
IF ANYTHING BURNS ME UP TOTALLY ITS THESE LAST TWO QUESTIONS!
2.You don’t look abused… Are you Lying?
Are you serious right now?! Even if you see the abuse your not going to do anything! When I was first abused I remember it well. I was beat up ! He punched me so hard on the right side of my face and had ripped several braids out of my hair. Next thing that happened shocked and amazed me. He said “Lets go in the mall.” What?! Are you serious?! So in we walked and can you believe NOT ONE PERSON SAVED ME, OR QUESTIONED HIM! ( I wrote a book on my abuse you can BUY IT HERE)
1.WHY DON’T YOU JUST LEAVE?
This is the top question that people ask abusers. I always wonder as well as my other domestic violence survivors of why don’t they ask… Why Did They Abuse You? There is a number of reasons why victims don’t and can’t JUST LEAVE.
THESES ARE REAL RESPONSES FROM VICTIMS AS TO WHY THEY DON’T LEAVE, AND THE ANSWERS WE GIVE THEM TO COMBAT THEIR SECOND THOUGHTS.
Where will I go? – (friends, family, shelters)
How will I support myself (and my children)? – (It may not be as hard as you think)
What if I am alone for the rest of my life. – (There are worse things then being alone)
No one will believe me. – (They might not but it is likely they already have seen the signs. Besides, it doesn’t matter whether they believe you as long as you know the truth.)
What if I am celibate for the rest of my life? – (There are worse things in life)
No one else will want me. – (Once you are healed you may find someone great and perfect for you. If not, again – there are worse things than being alone.)
My children need their father/mother. – (What kind of mother/father do they need? – really)
What will other people think? – (It shouldn’t be about what others think but unfortunately sometimes it is. You just need to do what is best for you.)
How will my children handle this? – (They may handle it better than what they are currently experiencing)
I don’t have money or other resources. – (Get information – that will answer many concerns.)
I still love him/her and I know he/she didn’t mean to do it and/or is sorry and/or will change. – (How many chances should he/she get? What if after years and years he/she still doesn’t? Will you still keep saying that? A person changing has to be their choice – we can’t make them no matter what we do or don’t do.)
How can I be sure that I will be safe from him/her? – (Call local, state, or national hotlines or resources for information. If possible confide in a friend or relative and arrange to go to their house in case of emergency. Always have a bag packed with a few essentials if possible.)
I am ashamed for anyone to know about the abuse. (They probably already know.)
Its not really that bad. – (Do you really believe that?)
I did cause this to happen or I deserve it. – (No one deserves to be treated that way).
This article is not to offend anyone it is simply a blog from a victims perspective. We are survivors and are tired of these questions. Some of us are still victims and while we are crying out for help you are asking us questions that seem to be antagonizing us more.